Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire
The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.
| New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits |
| Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served |
| Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer." |
| Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory |
| Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat |
| US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off" |
| Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine. |
| Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched" |
| Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries. |
| Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter. |
| RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean." |
| Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices" |
| Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence" |
| Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far. |
| Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1 |
| Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses. |
| Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected |
| Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu |
| India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit. |
| New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave. |
| Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?" |
| Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below" |
| Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home. |
| Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire" |
| So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T. |
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